Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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