Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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