Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
