Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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