If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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