Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
