Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
