Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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