I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
