Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
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She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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