This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
