My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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