im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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