So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
