Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
