Where did you get a picture of my penis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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