On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
