peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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