I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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