I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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