There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
