I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
