just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
