Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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