I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
