One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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