y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
