Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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