I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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