By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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