he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
