Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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