talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
