you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
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He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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