Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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