guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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