Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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