I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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