His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
