I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
