If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
