my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
