Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
