I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
