No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
