Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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