My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
