I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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