I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
