My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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