Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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