So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My ATM looks so different sober.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
