I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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