I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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