I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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